Today i weigh 110 pounds :)
Oh i just want to announce that out. Thats all. I lost weight :) Yay! I lost 10 pounds since finishing high school. So basically thats 10 pounds in erm. 5 months? Lol. If only i can grow 2 inches taller. :/
5'4 is still rather short.
And oh yeaah. What did i wanna post again? Damn weighing scale beside the computer table. Sidetracked me. Hmmm hmmm hmmm.
Yeah like that could fool you.
I miss my girls.
I miss You ):
And hopefully by this time tomorrow I'd have new hair :)
xoxo
Friday, April 30, 2010
Its okay. Im okay.
Love,
is the connection of hearts.
the union of 2 souls into one.
Love,
is beautiful.
More than the imagination.
Love,
overwrites everything else
until there is no flaw that you can see.
Love,
seemingly makes you go crazy, literally.
Or so the world says.
And what do i know about that four letter word? Not much, or maybe alot. I cant tell. And as i sit here writing this, fighting my demons & listening to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel over and over again, i struggle to keep my composure. Because love as beautiful as it is, as happy as it makes me, is painful. Why? Not everybody feels this. I think only people with demons do. And by demons i mean black thoughts, fear. Yeah definitely fear.
And YOU made me realise something yesterday. Something that really hit home.
Im never alone and it isnt just about me anymore.
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone.
Never alone, never alone.
I'll be in every beat of your heart
when you face the unknown.
Wherever you fly
this isnt goodbye
Cuz my love will follow you
stay with you
Baby, you're never alone.
-Lady Antebellum, Never Alone.
Sigh. I have much to learn. And every mistake i make, every disappointment you face only kills me more. You have no idea how masochistic i am. Yeah i guess thats the best word to describe my emo-ism. lol. Self-defeating personality disorder. Wtf here we go again. sighh.
And no, that is not an excuse for my behaviour.
I have lots more to write. But im getting late for ballet class. And Ive broken the rule again. (I wasnt supposed to blog) Ahh fuck it. I vow to keep my emoism to a minimal. Being emo benefits no one. Although at times i do enjoy it :/ Because of the pain. Urgh. I'd better shutup. You people think i need a hospital. LOL. Im perfectly fine thank you :)
xoxo
is the connection of hearts.
the union of 2 souls into one.
Love,
is beautiful.
More than the imagination.
Love,
overwrites everything else
until there is no flaw that you can see.
Love,
seemingly makes you go crazy, literally.
Or so the world says.
And what do i know about that four letter word? Not much, or maybe alot. I cant tell. And as i sit here writing this, fighting my demons & listening to The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel over and over again, i struggle to keep my composure. Because love as beautiful as it is, as happy as it makes me, is painful. Why? Not everybody feels this. I think only people with demons do. And by demons i mean black thoughts, fear. Yeah definitely fear.
And YOU made me realise something yesterday. Something that really hit home.
Im never alone and it isnt just about me anymore.
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone.
Never alone, never alone.
I'll be in every beat of your heart
when you face the unknown.
Wherever you fly
this isnt goodbye
Cuz my love will follow you
stay with you
Baby, you're never alone.
-Lady Antebellum, Never Alone.
Sigh. I have much to learn. And every mistake i make, every disappointment you face only kills me more. You have no idea how masochistic i am. Yeah i guess thats the best word to describe my emo-ism. lol. Self-defeating personality disorder. Wtf here we go again. sighh.
And no, that is not an excuse for my behaviour.
I have lots more to write. But im getting late for ballet class. And Ive broken the rule again. (I wasnt supposed to blog) Ahh fuck it. I vow to keep my emoism to a minimal. Being emo benefits no one. Although at times i do enjoy it :/ Because of the pain. Urgh. I'd better shutup. You people think i need a hospital. LOL. Im perfectly fine thank you :)
xoxo
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
From the heart.
Been feeling really emotional lately. Every little thing makes me burst into tears. Yeah Nissa, i get what you mean about being a human hosepipe. The silly thing is i shouldnt cry. There's no reason. But i cry anyway. Over every little thing. Even today from when i woke up at 1pm to a beautiful text message till now, i cried like 3 times already. Lol. The other two when i was watching SYTYCD finale rerun on TV.
So touching. )':
Heck i watched Thunder by Boys Like Girls on Youtube not 3 mins ago and yeah i cried. So that makes 4 times already today. There's just something about the video that touches me somehow. How happy they were, how free. For me the climax was at the end, where they were all looking out from the roof of that building into the sunlight. Smiles on their faces. So beautiful. (': I cant help it. Im a very emo person. Im very sensitive to surrounding emotions.
Btw, Britney Spears' Im not a Girl, not yet a woman made me cry as well.
Yeah i know what you must be thinking. This girls a mess. Shitty. Get your act together loser. Emo cunt.
Whatever. I dont expect you to understand. Im blogging about this because i need to. Because you're right, im a mess. I need to get my act together. I dont think im allowed to blog right now due to my punishment (long story) which i thoroughly deserved; but since facebook is definitely not allowed, this is the only place i could turn to.
But thats not completely true either, i could turn to YOU. If you are reading this. But as you know im mute. Im not one who speaks out my emotions. If i suffer, i suffer inside. If i suffer, i suffer alone. Generally, I never let anyone peek over the wall i've built around myself. Because i dont want anyone to see me like this. No one needs to see me like this.
Can I trust you'll go away,
If im to say, im okay.
Just let me bleed on my own,
And I'll find my way home.
-Different Day, State of Shock.
But i wonder, maybe i have to change my ways. Maybe i need to let you in behind the wall i've built. But im scared. I'll be exposing myself. So vulnerable. No, im not scared of you. I think -and i've been thinking a lot about this- im afraid of the change. Emotionally. Physically. Because for years, I have accepted the fact that in this life, i may not fall in love. I may not get married, i may not have kids. So I never expect any of those things. I never even expect to get a good job, become successful or whatever. Lack of ambition you say? Maybe. I live for the present. I refuse to worry myself about future 'goals'. I mean some people have these goals like get a good job at 25, marry at 28, 3 kids by 32. Or whatever shit like that but i dont. For all i know, i might be living isolated from society. In a place by the hills somewhere all by my own. Silly? I dont think so. I live for myself. I dont give a fuck bout what society thinks of me.
Anywaaay, before i get even more sidetracked, back to the topic at hand. So yeah what do you do when you dont expect any bonus from life and suddenly here comes this amazing someone whom you just cant let go. And when i say amazing, i mean seriously, amazing. The most patient, selfless, loving, beautiful individual ever. -Though others would disagree with me based on their experiences- but yeah. Where suddenly everything is about him. Where suddenly for someone as sensitive as me, every little emotion is heightened. He made me see things differently. Awakened emotions i've never felt before but have seen and read a million times over and till now did not understand. -Okay sorry for the cheesyness- But its true.
What do you do when you feel as if you dont deserve that wonderful person. That somehow you think, 'God, i think you got the wrong address' but you will never have the strength to return him to the post office. Lol.
"Maybe it was just a very convincing dream that I'd confused with reality. That seemed more probable than that I really appealed to him on any level." - Bella, Twilight. (86)
So many questions running through my head. Some i dont even wanna know the answer to. And i could see the expressions on you guys' faces. You're crying because you're in love? Wtf? WHY. And to tell you the truth, i have no answer. Maybe its the realization that i COULD be and fall in love. That someone could ever love me that much. Someone as undeserving as me. Noo, shhh shut up. Its true.
Anyway, what was the purpose of this post you ask? I have no idea. I just felt like writing. And when i started the post, i was aiming for a totally different angle. Which by now i totally forgotten what it was. o_o I was caught up in my thoughts. What am i thinking? Nothing specific. A little bit of this and that. And the fact im eating Dominoes Pizza for dinner! Woots :D Okay that was totally uncalled for. And rude. =/ Im sorry. But my emofest has evaporated for the time being. Hey this really helps :) Therapeutic in fact. I apologize if you readers didnt understand a single shit about this post but thats not my problem.
Go suffer in silence :)
Lol. Im definitely feeling much better! So my closing statement?
"I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly." -Edward, Twilight (87)
xoxo
So touching. )':
Heck i watched Thunder by Boys Like Girls on Youtube not 3 mins ago and yeah i cried. So that makes 4 times already today. There's just something about the video that touches me somehow. How happy they were, how free. For me the climax was at the end, where they were all looking out from the roof of that building into the sunlight. Smiles on their faces. So beautiful. (': I cant help it. Im a very emo person. Im very sensitive to surrounding emotions.
Btw, Britney Spears' Im not a Girl, not yet a woman made me cry as well.
Yeah i know what you must be thinking. This girls a mess. Shitty. Get your act together loser. Emo cunt.
Whatever. I dont expect you to understand. Im blogging about this because i need to. Because you're right, im a mess. I need to get my act together. I dont think im allowed to blog right now due to my punishment (long story) which i thoroughly deserved; but since facebook is definitely not allowed, this is the only place i could turn to.
But thats not completely true either, i could turn to YOU. If you are reading this. But as you know im mute. Im not one who speaks out my emotions. If i suffer, i suffer inside. If i suffer, i suffer alone. Generally, I never let anyone peek over the wall i've built around myself. Because i dont want anyone to see me like this. No one needs to see me like this.
Can I trust you'll go away,
If im to say, im okay.
Just let me bleed on my own,
And I'll find my way home.
-Different Day, State of Shock.
But i wonder, maybe i have to change my ways. Maybe i need to let you in behind the wall i've built. But im scared. I'll be exposing myself. So vulnerable. No, im not scared of you. I think -and i've been thinking a lot about this- im afraid of the change. Emotionally. Physically. Because for years, I have accepted the fact that in this life, i may not fall in love. I may not get married, i may not have kids. So I never expect any of those things. I never even expect to get a good job, become successful or whatever. Lack of ambition you say? Maybe. I live for the present. I refuse to worry myself about future 'goals'. I mean some people have these goals like get a good job at 25, marry at 28, 3 kids by 32. Or whatever shit like that but i dont. For all i know, i might be living isolated from society. In a place by the hills somewhere all by my own. Silly? I dont think so. I live for myself. I dont give a fuck bout what society thinks of me.
Anywaaay, before i get even more sidetracked, back to the topic at hand. So yeah what do you do when you dont expect any bonus from life and suddenly here comes this amazing someone whom you just cant let go. And when i say amazing, i mean seriously, amazing. The most patient, selfless, loving, beautiful individual ever. -Though others would disagree with me based on their experiences- but yeah. Where suddenly everything is about him. Where suddenly for someone as sensitive as me, every little emotion is heightened. He made me see things differently. Awakened emotions i've never felt before but have seen and read a million times over and till now did not understand. -Okay sorry for the cheesyness- But its true.
What do you do when you feel as if you dont deserve that wonderful person. That somehow you think, 'God, i think you got the wrong address' but you will never have the strength to return him to the post office. Lol.
"Maybe it was just a very convincing dream that I'd confused with reality. That seemed more probable than that I really appealed to him on any level." - Bella, Twilight. (86)
So many questions running through my head. Some i dont even wanna know the answer to. And i could see the expressions on you guys' faces. You're crying because you're in love? Wtf? WHY. And to tell you the truth, i have no answer. Maybe its the realization that i COULD be and fall in love. That someone could ever love me that much. Someone as undeserving as me. Noo, shhh shut up. Its true.
Anyway, what was the purpose of this post you ask? I have no idea. I just felt like writing. And when i started the post, i was aiming for a totally different angle. Which by now i totally forgotten what it was. o_o I was caught up in my thoughts. What am i thinking? Nothing specific. A little bit of this and that. And the fact im eating Dominoes Pizza for dinner! Woots :D Okay that was totally uncalled for. And rude. =/ Im sorry. But my emofest has evaporated for the time being. Hey this really helps :) Therapeutic in fact. I apologize if you readers didnt understand a single shit about this post but thats not my problem.
Go suffer in silence :)
Lol. Im definitely feeling much better! So my closing statement?
"I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly." -Edward, Twilight (87)
xoxo
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Miss Scarlet Inian updated.
Exactly one month since my last post. You must forgive me, but im losing interest in blogging. Well i certainly do not want to delete this blog cuz Ive included loads of info in my previous posts that you readers might still find useful, debatable or whatever when you google them up. So yeah, i guess whenever i feel like it, I'll post up a ramble :) No more consistent blogging. Sigh. But oh! Thats not why im posting this.
READ READ READ.
Ive updated it! :)
xoxo!
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