Change

- I used to scorn people in love. Bigtime.

I hated love scenes, all gooey and iloveyousoverymuchicantlivewithoutyou senarios. I even go to the extent of thinking people who 'fall in love' are weak. Because they cant live independently. They need a support system. Losers i labelled them. Yeah i couldnt understand what the hype was about. Really? You're in love? You'd die for that person? Oh yeah sureee. I'd give you 2 months maximum and that relationship is going to be over. Are you gonna kill yourself then?

Yeap i was all high and mighty about not falling in love. I was proud that i was a loner. Every single guy that came my way i stepped on them with my shoe like they were nothing. I convinced myself i didnt need them. Not anyone. And people who just 'think they're in love' deserved their painful breakup afterwards. I sound so sadistic. Goshhh. But thats the real truth. :X That was what i perceived, what i felt. That was my reason which i hid behind. Just because i wasnt strong enough to open my heart, allowed it to be vulnerable, locked it with myself so no one can touch me; I convinced myself that i was just being strong, independently. That i was the one coming out on top. Wow what a loser :)

It really isnt like that at all isnt it? Its so much more complicated than that now i realised. I used to laugh at people after breakups like a "HAH! I told you so!" moment. But really im the one everyone should be laughing at. So naive. So quick to judge. I always thought i was open minded but really i was the narrow minded one. Because falling in love is never a mistake. Because falling in love doesnt mean you cant live independently. Because falling in love just means there's something in this person thats just for you. You have found something in this person that is yours. Of course there are all kinds of love. You may fall in love and something just happens along the way that made the relationship fail. Doesnt matter, on with the next one. You'll fall in love again.

And then there is THAT kind of love which is stronger beyond the imagination. For me, I dont refer to it as 'being in love' of any kind. Its so much stronger than love. There are no words to describe it. To put it into a word in English, I'll have to settle on 'soulmates'. Only a lucky 5% maybe, will ever find that one person that truly just belongs to you.

And i finally understood all those love movies. Even one time i was watching House on Axn, just 4 words she said to him. "Hey, I love you." No bouquets of roses everywhere, no diamond ring, no tacky background orchestra, no fancy restaurant, no sexual tension, nothing. Just a plain, simple, honest from the soul I love you. 4 words and i cried for half an hour. That moment just touched me so much. Yeah how much Ive changed. Lol. Usually when it comes to those kinds of scenes, i roll my eyes and change the channel. Then mumble to myself about the predictability of it all. Heh. Epic. And my mom watching the show with me would demand i change it back and commented i will die a spinster. Bless her. I love her so much. :)

So what brought this on you ask? Hmm i was just feeling a little emotional. No surprise *rolls eyes* and I felt like writing it out. I dont know. Its just something bout seeing things in writing and writing it out that makes me calm down. Or make me burst into tears, either one. But this time it was therapeutic. And it was just something that was on my mind thats all. :] Something i was wondering about. Hmm anyhoo, its just past 2.30am Malaysian time. Which means GERMANY MATCH IS ON :D Yeah support Germany people! :) England just made it through to Top 16. Sad case about Slovenia though. :/ I feel for them man. Really i do. So im off. To watch the match. :) Its like im the only one who watches full matches among my family. Awesome :D

Oh, ponder.

xoxo